If you're not a fan of the f word... you should probably skip this post...

Wednesday's WOD:
Then, 5 rounds for time of:
8 Overhead squats (115/65#)
30 Double-unders

FIRST. I was proud of my OH squats. They were not great. They weren't even good. But I got through them. Same weight as Sectionals, and the 3rd set I got 8 without putting the bar down. Maybe also got all 8 in the 1st set (don't remember). Def broke it in the 2nd, but I could've held it up there if I allowed myself to hold the bar back as far as I wanted to (which I did in the next set). Definite progress.

Double-unders can suck it. They were a train wreck. I was missing them left and right, but was able to keep my head and not get too frustrated until the 3rd set. Then, I may have fallen off a truck. That was falling off a cliff. Bryce was counting for me and he called out "Four!" and I thought I was on 7... and for some reason that was... just... fucking... IT. Bryce says I didn't say anything offensive, which later I found surprising, and I remember not punching him in the face (although i really really wanted to, well, stomach moreso than face... he's so damn tall, I'd never have gotten to his face) but I just lost it. I got so angry and worked up. I got back in and started jumping but I was so fucking angry. It was like sectionals all over again... except at Sectionals I was a mix of emotions...sad, embarrassed, disappointed, and angry... and here I was just angry. Bryce told me to wait, to give myself a second or something like that, and I walked around the room to get my shit together. And that's when it got worse. I started completely freaking out. My breathing got erratic and I was shaking. Full body shaking. What the fuck!? I thought I was going to fucking lose it. Scream. Cry, maybe? I have no idea what. It's so unlike me to get that emotional in front of anyone. Much less a room full of people. But it was the worst I've ever felt in a workout. Last double-under wod I was disappointed b/c I had just gotten "better" at them so expected to be better but this time I knew I wasn't better but thought I could at least get through it. After I hit the time cap I went out the the garage to cool down... feeling awful and embarrassed and trying to stop being so damn angry. I came back in, looked Bryce in the eye and apologized - I felt awful for all the things I thought I said to him... well, all the terrible things I said to him in my head (thankfully I didn't say them aloud. seriously). I could tell he felt terrible for how upset he knew I was... and it made me hate him a teensy bit less ;)


The reality is - I got through over 60 double-unders in that wod. Maybe over 75. Which is a shit ton many times to do something I suck pretty hard at. And I got through the fucking OH squats. I have FOR SURE improved at those!!! This wod was made up of the two things I am worst at so thinking it wouldn't crush me was silly. And, I have no idea what my finish was (I'll write it down once I get into the box today) because I haven't been able to look at the board since then to see my DNF total. I wasn't going to write about this at all (or ever talk about it) but failures like this are important.


Losing my shit because I'm not successfully completing a rep isn't going to help me get another rep... well, unless it's heavy as fuck (HAF - for emmitt), in which case the anger may help! But, even with HAF lifts, the anger has to be controlled. I was in control in the beginning. I was hanging by a fucking thread though, and I let my judge's count throw my whole game off. I let it throw my control out the fucking window, because I thought I'd done better than he thought I had. Come on. I know better than that. Judging sucks, and no one's gonna take away reps that you got... unless the judge is a total a-hole, incompetent, or a cheating jerk... and Bryce is none of those things (that may be the nicest thing I've said about him since... the incident).


So, yeah. I took Thursday off ;) I went and had burgers with Jonny and Scott and I even had a strawberry shake (it's been, I dunno, maybe a YEAR since I've had a shake. Indescribably delicious). And then I went to bikram yoga, which I love because it kicks my ass and stretches me out and I get to sweat it ALL out.


Today I'll be back in to to a Chipper - looks long but totally manageable. No chance of DNFing, as I'm comfortable with all of these movements and feel strong in all but one of them. I'm excited about it. I feel I can excel on it. Wallballs will be a bitch but that's okay. at least there's no double-unders ;)